After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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