You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
