Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
