When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
