in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
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I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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