I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
