some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I need to align my fucking chakras
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
