i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
whose ass print is on the piano?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
