I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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