Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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