Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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