Sponge bath it is.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So much rum. So many feels.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
