That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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