JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
