I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
