The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
