My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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