At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
