well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
