there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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