I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
