I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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