God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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