I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
