piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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