do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
