you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
