I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
