wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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