I will die if light touches me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
