i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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