I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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