so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
