I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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