Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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