Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My bed smells like the plague
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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