come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
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