Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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