turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
