The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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