My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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