I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
