I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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