I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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