I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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