I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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