The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
