why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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