That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
