I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
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