he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
