seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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