sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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