I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
